Tim Watches The Worst Of The WWE Network: Fall Brawl 2000

WCW Fall Brawl 2000!!

The show opened with Elix Skipper vs Kwee Wee for the cruiserweight title. Elix Skipper might be my least favorite wrestler of all time at the moment. Just looked completely lost in there at times and had no business on a major wrestling show, let alone as a title holder. Kwee Wee did as good a job as he could given his opposition, but this was just awful. I thought someone was going to die about 4 times. And of course we got interference for no reason with the Natural Born Thrillers. Classic Russo “let’s start a feud at the PPV” bullshit. And Major Gunns looks like a total whore and is not attractive in the least. I can’t think of a worst way to start a PPV.

I was ready to hate Three Count vs. MIA. I mean really hate it. Three Count was green and the MIA was the Wall, Chavo Guerrero and Lash Leroux. But it was really fun to watch and a hell of a little match. Helms and Moore were SUPER green. Especially Moore, but you could see super talent there and they were able to be carried by, of all people, Lt. Loco. Chavo was good here in leading everyone and you really got the idea that he was far better than the Eddie Guerrero tribute act he turned into. Even the Wall, as the big shit kicker, did a really good job here. No stupid interference, no bullshit “story telling”, just a six man tag team match with six guys who wanted to go out and work hard and they did a good job with it. Loved this match and would probably put it around ***1/2. Would be one of the better matches on most WWE PPV’s now a days. MIA went over, if you care.

Note: I originally watched this show in March of 2015. I went back and watched this match again and loved it even more the second time around.

I was feeling pretty good about Fall Brawl after the six man. Then the Harris Brothers and Kronik had a chain match. Which became a first blood chain match. Which consisted of four wrestlers with no real talent hitting each other with horrible punches and kicks until one of the Harris Bros bled. But, OF COURSE, the ref didn’t see him bleeding, so one of Kronik, the one on steroids with the long hair and no talent named Bryan maybe, got busted open and the ref, of course, saw that. The ref got double chokeslammed for his efforts. You know, I’ve seen them attempt this chokeslam at least three times on these two shows, and they NEVER get the positioning right. It’s a double fucking chokeslam. Morons.

Lance Storm is out now with Major Gunns, who still looks like a skank and is apparently his prisoner, to take on Hugh Morrus. I guess the angle is that Morrus wins and he gets the title and Gunns and if Storm wins he…keeps her? Recently, Hacksaw Duggan came out of nowhere and told Hugh that he was passing the torch to Hugh. I’m sure that’s just what Morrus wanted, to be given the role of cross eyed, USA loving goof. Duggan was also named the enforcer for this match, to counteract the bullshit from last month. So, if you don’t know where this is going yet you haven’t been paying attention. They have a pretty bad 6 minute match and Duggan turns on Morrus to reveal a Canada t-shirt and join up with Lance Storm. So Storm keeps his title and the woman, because in Vince Russo’s WCW, woman are props.

The Natural Born Thrillers, who might have been the greenest collection of wrestlers ever, are back with Gene who calls Sanders a prick and tells O’Haire to blow it out his ass. Ok. Sanders has a line about the Filthy Animals having a bald guy, two midgets and a cheez whiz eating trailer park trash hoochie on their team, which leads to a great line from Scott Hudson.

“I didn’t know Disco Inferno ate cheez whiz.”

So Gang Green makes their way out and the Filthy Animals, their opponents in this elimination match, come out and unveil their secret weapon, the trainer of the Natural Born Thrillers Paul Orndorff. Paul instantly apologizes for unleashing these men on the wrestling business. No, not really. They had a match that was pretty bad. Watching how awful the Thrillers are really makes you appreciate NXT and the performance center even more. If a guy like O’Haire or Jindrak would have been in that environment, you have to think their careers would have turned out differently. Johnny the Bull and Reno would have probably still sucked. So they had an ok match until Orndorff got legit hurt and they had to stop the match. Vito was on the Filthy Animals team, and he remained surprisingly over. Of course this did feature page number 4 out of the Russo playbook: partners who can’t get along. There were one or two impressive spots with any combination of Jindrak, O’Haire, Rey and Juvy, but everything else was garbage.

They take Paul out on a stretcher in a very serious scene, and Shane Douglas cuts a promo claiming that he was going to put Kidman next to him in the hospital. I think if Vince McMahon wasn’t there, Russo would have had guys cutting promos about sending someone to the morgue with Owen Hart at Over the Edge. In a continued effort to make sure that two guys who could have a good match do anything but, this is a scaffold match (a PITTSBURGH PLUNGE SCAFFOLD MATCH!!) with Shane Douglas and Torrie Wilson taking on Billy Kidman and Madusa. The word bitch is used heavily, of course, and the physical appearance of the women is ridiculed, by Mark Madden of all people, but when Douglas and Kidman get to try to work together, of course, they do a pretty good job. The problem is there is only so much you can do on a platform 15 feet above the stage. Madusa and Kidman fall into crash pads, making this probably the first time ever that heels won the big stipulation match, because of course they would. Highlight was Hudson and Schiavone trying to convince us that Madusa fell onto a hard surface with no give when you can see her land on a very soft surface. Very awful, but hard to blame the people working. Even Torrie did a good job acting terrified. Probably because she was legit terrified, but still.

The Dork Carnival of the ICP and Vampiro come out. The ICP decide to create the worst commentary team of all time with Mark Madden, and they spend the whole match mocking everything going on in the ring and creating dumb names for all three wrestlers. The match is Vampiro vs. Sting vs. Muta, who you might recall lost to Ernest The Cat Miller last month, the same Ernest Miller who does not appear on this show, by the way. The match is bad enough, as triple threats tend to be, but it’s rendered unwatchable by the commentary. Sting wins, I think, and saves Muta from another month of embarrassment, this time by being laid out by the ICP. The ICP are the worst at everything they do.

Mike Awesome, now that 70’s guy and no longer a fat chick thriller, walks out of a bus and does an interview with Pamela. Or double P as he calls her. After the interview, Gary Coleman comes out and this is all to build to a “What You Talking Bout” joke. Coleman is not pleased and informs Pam that he will not be sleeping with her now. Too bad?

Jeff Jarrett and Mike Awesome have every awful TNA main event or ECW garbage match you have ever seen. It’s a bunkhouse match, but someone forgot to tell Mike Awesome that means you wear jeans tucked into your boots. Now, this was about 8 months after the Titans had beat the Bills in the playoffs, so Jarrett wears a Titans jersey to the ring and taunts the Bills players at ringside, who had lost earlier in the day. Some things never change, right Justin? So they do a bunch of lame shit that NO ONE cares about, and the Bills finally surround the ring and try to attack Jarrett. Awesome hits an AMAZING Awesome bomb and, logically, the match ends and the crowd goes nuts.

Oh, we know the problem with that sentence. Logically. So, Jarrett kicks out and they wrestle a little more. The Bills, now bored, get off the apron and go to the ringside area. Gary Coleman runs out with a hat on. He hits a low blow on Jarrett and his hat falls off, showing the massive padding under the hat. So Coleman puts the hat back on and eats a huge guitar shot. Now, after this distraction, of course Awesome hits a massive Awesome Bomb for the win.

Ha, not really. Jarrett gets Awesome up and goes for the stroke, but Sting (?) runs down and lays Jarrett out with the Scorpion Death Drop and Awesome wins. What an awful mess this was. No one cared until the Bills got involved, and then it went on and on and on. Another classic Russo “let’s use the PPV to start a new feud” angle. Pure shit.

Goldberg vs. Steiner. Where to begin? The video package alone was enough to make me want to jump into a burning building. Goldberg attacked Midajah, who was trying to give Major Gunns competition for biggest skank in the company, and that led to Steiner attacking Goldberg’s girlfriend. There was pipe attacks, sneak attacks, yelling and a bunch of other bullshit.

Now, to be fair, both guys actually went out there and busted their asses. The in ring work was solid, which was very shocking. If this would have been just a straight wrestling match with no bullshit, it would have been really good. Even the commentary wasn’t awful, except for Mark Madden replacing pro wrestling with sports entertainment ALL THE TIME. That said, this is 2000 WCW, bro, so you know you are getting a HEALTHY dose of bullshit. First, Midajah comes down with a pipe. This didn’t really bother me because, as noted, Goldberg had laid her out and she was Steiner’s freak. But then a wild Vince Russo appeared. He used “outside interference for no reason.” It was super effective. This was a continuation of “Vince Russo writes this show and he is going to pick who he wants to win” theater, but at least this time they portrayed it as a real fight and not a scripted fight. But they were sure to point out that Russo was the booker and that’s why he wanted Steiner to win. What? Best of all, Russo was in his cut off shirt and looked pale, weak and all around awful. So after some weak attacks from Russo and Midajah, Goldberg kicks out of a bunch of stuff, but Steiner gets the pipe and nails Goldberg with it and locks on the recliner. Russo celebrates by taking his shirt off. Yet another in the long line of things I never needed to see. Just an overbooked disaster that helped no one and wasted a superb effort from two guys not really known for superb efforts.

Main event is Booker T vs. Kevin Nash. I almost died as I watched the ring entrances for the main event, and Kevin Nash obviously wrote his. I almost died of laughter when Michael Buffer said, and I fucking quote, “universally known as the greatest big man in the history of pro wrestling.” Kevin fucking Nash. What fucking universe was that in? Bizzaro world? The fucking negative zone? I can’t wait for this match.

Booker T is a great man. He is single handily working his ass off to try and save these shows. Failing, miserably, but he is working super hard. The match with Nash at the end of Fall Brawl suffers from the same problem that most Kevin Nash matches have and that is that they include Kevin Nash. That said, he did actually take some bumps and cut himself wide open to try and help get Booker over. The problem is that the crowd didn’t really care, at all, until Booker won. Nice pop for the win, and the show ended on a high note.

As a whole, a much less offensive show than last month. The stupid was just as stupid, but I thought that the tag team stuff and the top two matches were better. A god awful show, but less god awful than Mayhem, I guess?

Tim Glancy (@OMGlancy)