Tim Watches The Worst of the WWE Network: WCW New Blood Rising
Justin wants me to introduce myself to everyone. My name is Tim Glancy, and I watch AWFUL wrestling on the WWE Network and write about it. This started as something I would do and post about on another website that Justin and I both frequent, and he made the offer to carry the stuff here as well, so I jumped at the chance to have more eyes on my slow (or not so slow) descent to madness. The premise behind this series is simple: I am going to watch awful wrestling and tear it apart. If you have any suggestions for shows on the WWE Network that might fit the bill, send them to me via email to firstname.lastname@example.org or hit me up on twitter @OMGlancy. Please note that the wackier the better. There are plenty of shows that are bad because they are boring, but those are WAY less fun to write about. I also have some shows in the can as well, so there is a chance that shows you might request (2000 WCW shows in particular) might already be on the way!
One more note. I swear. A lot. So if you are offended but foul language, I would leave now. You have been warned.
I lied, one more one more note. Some of these earlier shows were done as a series of message board posts. I have tried to edit them together in a way that makes sense, and every show going forward will be done in one column for maximum continuity, but if the flow seems off, now you know why! I promise that is it. On with the show.
WCW New Blood Rising has to be one of the worst PPV’s ever. The opener is a six man ladder match with two items hanging above the ring, a gold record and a recording contract, and somehow a wrestler who is not in the match ends up with both items. The Jung Dragons of Kaz Hayashi, Yang and Jaime-San took on the team of Shannon Moore, Shane Helms and Evan Karagias of Three Count. 3 Count was accompanied by Tank Abbot, who won the match.The actual wrestling is ok, if not super sloppy at times, but everyone (Jung Dragons and 3 Count) tried hard. Tank’s offense was awful.
Then Ernest Miller beat The Great Muta.
Ernest the Cat Miller beat The Great Muta.
The match was about exactly what you would expect, but they actually had some cool karate type spots, I guess. But it does need to be pointed out again that Ernest Miller defeated, via pinfall, The Great Muta.
Next was one of the more infamous matches, at least by name, in WCW history. Kanyon takes on Buff Bagwell in a Judy Bagwell on a pole match! Well, if you expected something other than a reason for Vince Russo to script some fat jokes, you will be disappointed. Right from the start, we are told that Judy is on a forklift because she was too fat for the pole and it gets worse from there. The actual match itself is ok until David Arquette gets involved. But, Buff wins and saves his mommy and Arquette gets a Kanyon Cutter for his trouble.
Now, all of that is terrible, but the true reason this is the worst show of all time is Mark Madden. Madden is, by far, the worst commentator in wrestling history. His delivery is awful, his comedy is not funny at all, his timing is awful, and everything about the guy just sucks. For him, of all people, to sit there and make fat jokes about Judy Bagwell was awful.
Speaking of things that made no sense, the Filthy Animals are out to officiate the WCW tag team title match. With the tag team titles on. Disco is going to be the in ring ref, Juvy, Rey and Tigress the enforcers on the outside, and Konnan is going to do insider jokes, I mean commentary, during the match. This allows for Mark Madden to be even more insufferable. The teams in this match are all awful. When Cpl Cajun is the best guy in a match, the match lacks quality workers. He was teaming with MIA friend Gen Rection to take on Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo, Sean O’Haire and Mark Jindrak, and Kronik. So it’s 5 green guys, Hugh Morrus in tye dye, and one of the worst tag teams of all the times in a 4 way with ref shenanigans. Mark calls Konnan “Carlos” during the commentary and Konnan spends the whole time burying almost everyone in the ring and telling us that he “has it like that.” After 25 years of Disco Inferno slow counts, lax enforcement of the legal man, Rey and Juvyacting like asses and Tigress sitting on a dudes face (which of course causes Madden to have a heart attack) the match finally ends when Kronik pins someone and Chavo Guerrero counts the pinfall. Yeah, Lt. Loco, who was not in the match and is not a Filthy Animal, attacked Disco and took the ref shirt to count the pin. For someone who is not part of his group.
Billy Kidman and Shane Douglas had a strap match. The actual work, when they were wrestling, wasn’t terrible at all. I actually think a straight one on one in a promotion with no bullshit between these two would have been pretty good. The strap takes away from the match and the angle with Torrie takes away even more. Lots of kicking out of shit and Kidman finally wins with something. After the match he abuses Torrie, because she’s a woman and is therefore subject to abuse and mockery according to the writers of this show, by whipping her with the belt. Douglas recovers and makes an attempt to hang Kidman but Vito runs out for the safe and gets a really nice reaction. Reno then runs out and attacks Vito and no one is sure why. And then it ends.
Next was the absolute worst thing on the show (thus far) and probably one of the worst things in wrestling history. A ROTC “match” between Miss Hancock and Major Gunns which was all to build to a miscarriage angle. I am just going to move on, but as someone who has had to deal with this very painful situation in my real life, I advise anyone who has done the same to go out of their way to avoid this. Also, if you like wrestling, avoid it. Or if you like yourself more than I obviously do, avoid it. And if you hate yourself, avoid it.
Vampiro, painted like a Juggalo, was back stage with the Great Muta, who you may recall lost to Ernest the Cat Miller earlier on this show, and The Kiss Demon. They yelled about juggalos and the Demon needing to prove himself. He proceeded to prove he was a piece of shit by losing to Sting in a minute. The rest of these goofs ran out, and I guess they were called the Dark Carnival, which made me instantly call them the dork carnival, and beat up Sting for a minute before Kronik made the save. So Kronik, not satisfied with one shitty match this evening, decided to say “fuck it, let’s have another shitty match” and offered a title match to the Dork Carnival. So later on in this very show we will see Vampiro and the Great Muta, who earlier tonight lost to Ernest the Cat Miller, take on Kronik for the WCW tag titles, belts that are currently in the possession of the Filthy Animals, who get a title shot the following night on Nitro.
Somewhere in here, the following also happened:
-Jeff Jarrett accused a blonde with big boobs (Pamela something or other if I recall) of sleeping with the “Jurassic Slapnuts” Mean Gene
-Booker T showed up and was viciously assaulted by Jeff Jarrett
-Booker T yelled and screamed on the trainer’s table
-Mark Madden said “Snootchie Bootchies”
The Canadian Title match with Lance Storm vs. Mike Awesome was next, and it was awful. The whole idea was to have Storm use “Canadian” rules to retain his title by basically getting his ass kicked for 10 minutes. He lost the match no less than 3 times, and each time was saved by special “Canadian Ref” Jacques Rougeau. Rougeau was the only decent thing about this match. His over acting was great, and the punch he hit Awesome with at the end was amazing. But this was just an awful match made worse by the fact that the guy doing all of the cheating, in this case, WAS THE FUCKING BABYFACE BECAUSE THE SHOW WAS IN CANADA!!!!
And Bret Hart came out to hug everyone after. Who cares?
Kronik had their titles back. I might have missed something earlier where they got them back, but I honestly didn’t remember. Or care. They were out to wrestle the Dork Carnival of Vampiro and the Great Muta, who earlier in the night lost to Ernest Fucking Miller. Now, if I told you that Kronik had a match against a few years past his prime Great Muta, who lost to Ernest Miller, and Vampiro, who was never that good to begin with, you would probably picture this match. It was a wrestling match that wasn’t really good, but by virtue of being on this show and being just a regular old wrestling match, it was actually one of the more enjoyable things on this show. So, of course, the fucking Harris Twins run down to confront Kronik to decide, once and for all, who the shittiest tag team in WCW is. They hit one of the guys in Kronik, the one on steroids maybe, with the H Bomb (full disclosure: that’s a pretty cool fucking move) and The Great Muta, W.E.I.T.N.L.T.E.M, “hit” a moonsault to win the tag titles. After he had sprayed mist in the refs eyes. I don’t know. So, on Nitro, the Filthy Animals will wrestle the Dork Carnival for the WCW tag team titles and Kronik, I presume, will go on to have some of the worst matches ever with the Harris Twins.
I don’t know what was the worse thing to happen to Muta this evening: losing to Ernest Miller or winning the WCW tag titles.
Pamela, I think, was interviewing Kevin Nash. My wife said he should have been called Big Tan instead of Big Sexy, because he appeared to be a new shade of orange and brown that Crayola hasn’t invented yet. He said that he was “going over” in the match tonight. I should have turned the show off.
You know how Dolph Ziggler does these promos where he basically tells everyone he fake fights and he loves to entertain? Imagine a match build around that premise, and the announcers beating it into your head the whole match that what you are watching is in no way an athletic contest but a scripted fake fight, and that is what the triple threat between Goldberg, Nash, and Scott Steiner was. Now, the fact that there is a triple threat between these three men is bad enough. What makes it worse is that the “story” was that Goldberg was someone that Vince Russo, mentioned by name during this match, did not like and therefore, because Vince Russo did not like him, it was unlikely that he would win this match. Goldberg is supposedly hurt because of a motorcycle accident, so they play his music and he doesn’t show up. Mark Madden speculates that this was done to show Goldberg up. So the storyline is that Goldberg is hurt or that he doesn’t want to be there because he wasn’t booked to “go over?”
The commentary team did not call this match like a contest. There was not going to be a winner, but someone was going to go over while someone else was going to “be professional and do the right thing.” After a few minutes of horrible fake fighting, Goldberg ran down to do some more horrible fake fighting. They fake fight without someone going over for a little bit when Nash gets Goldberg in position for the jackknife. Goldberg pushes Nash, stops selling and leaves the ring. Nash motions as if to say “hey, I was supposed to power bomb you there” and looks confused. Vince Russo comes out, wearing a cut off t-shirt for whatever reason, and tells Goldberg to get his ass back in the ring, bro. Goldberg responds with a loud, unedited FUCK YOU and walks out. So Kevin Nash and Steiner, being the UTMOST of professionals when it comes to the industry of pro wrestling, continue their awful fake fight. Think about that. The guys that WCW is using as the “professionals” in this awful play are Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner. So, Midajah (or whatever) runs out and hits Nash in the balls. Nash hits Steiner in the balls. Midajah hits Nash in the balls again. Nash hits, I swear to god, the worst DDT I have EVER seen, and finally Steiner agrees to go up for the jackknife and lay still for three seconds. This leads to Scott Hudson stating that Steiner was a professional and said “He went up for it, Goldberg!”
This was, by far, the worst professional wrestling match I have ever seen. I am sure that there have been matches with worse action, but at least the matches were supposed to be “real” in the world of pro wrestling. This match was for the #1 contender for the WCW title. So, let’s assume that this match is fake, as you have pointed out, what does that say about the rest of your show? Is the whole thing fake? Is the title match that is coming up next fake too? Fuck you, bro. People don’t want to watch shit when they are told it is fake. Hey, remember that scene in Pride and Prejudice when Colin Firth turns to the camera and says he is going to stop saying his scripted lines because he’s not a professional? Of course you don’t. And it’s not just because I’m the only person watching shitty old WCW PPV’s who has also watched that Pride and Prejudice mini-series, it’s because it never happened. Fuck.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Booker T was actually a pretty good match marred by far too many ref bumps. It actually felt like a Jarrett TNA main event in that regard. The first ref bump, which led to Jarrett smashing a guitar over Booker’s leg, was fine. The other 2 or 3 were overkill. Still, both guys actually worked hard and appeared to be trying to have something resembling a world championship match, so it was easily the best thing on this show. There was some stuff that didn’t make a lick of sense, like Jarrett using a Boston crab to work on Booker’s legs, but compared to the steaming mess the rest of this show was, that’s a small issue. I will say that I loved how they went from a triple threat that was billed as fake to determine the number 1 contender to this match that was pushed as two guys fighting it out in a real battle to determine the champion. So is the next main event supposed to be the best fake fighter vs. the best real fighter?
Overall, this show was the worst wrestling show I have ever seen. And The Great Muta lost to Ernest the Cat Miller.
Author’s Note: I said this was the worst wrestling show I have ever seen about 22 months ago when I originally wrote this. I don’t know if I can stand by that claim anymore. That’s a story for another day! Thanks for reading!
Tim Glancy (@OMGlancy)